You come home from work, kiss your daughter’s cheek and ask how school went today. She says, “We had a substitute who said my teacher had to get treated for gonorrhea.” Then your precious little girl gazes up at you with wide eyes full of love and rainbows, and asks, “What’s gonorrhea?”

For ruining your child’s innocence and for the awkward conversations that follow, you can thank Alan Raff, amateur malcontent and self-proclaimed titular character of Mr. Smartass.

Alan makes his triumphant return to middle school to rock boats, burn bridges, and seduce a sexy art teacher. Along the way, he adopts a supporting cast, which includes a foul-mouthed janitor with a secret history of vandalism, a well-endowed nurse with a secret drinking problem, and an overzealous assistant principal with not-so-secret ninja fetish. To push the limit as far as he can, Alan must battle a jealous coworker, an unhappy principal, an escaped python, teen pregnancy, intolerance, and his own unresolved grief over his mother’s death—all to teach the students just one lesson that really, truly matters.

Mr. Smartass is now available for the Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, and Apple iPad/iPhone, as well as other e-book reader devices.

You can also read the unpublished introduction, previously deemed too scandalous and provocative for inclusion with the novel, right here.  Warning: the introduction might be more honest and less tasteful than the book.